Scenes of a Sexual Nature
Sex scenes in mainstream film, for as far back as I can remember, even before I started having sex myself, have been a big time obsession for me. Films have the incredible ability to make sex seem consistently seamless and smooth whilst conveniently eliminating all of the awkward faces, noises and mishaps that anyone who is sexually active will have encountered. And whilst this can of course be deeply problematic in terms of managing expectations, for the purpose of escapism, I’m here for it. Because it’s hard enough to find people that you actually want to have sex with in adult life, let alone find people who you can actually have great sex with, so why not live vicariously through film’s creativity? Sure, many of the scenes seem too good to be true — perfect physiques, mind blowing orgasms in seconds (women seem to develop a magic ability to orgasm from just a few vigorous pumps…good one *rolls eyes*) BUT films are all about suspending our disbelief and so when it comes to cinema’s best coital scenes, I’m all about it.
As a result of this, for a while now, I have been compiling a list of the hottest sex scenes that film has allowed us to enjoy. However I do need to give a quick disclaimer — in the unfortunate predictability of a cis het female writing this list lies the fact that all of these scenes involve straight couples. But, I am compiling my next round which will aim to be much more inclusive— if you have suggestions, feel free to hit me up.
So, after much struggle, I have whittled the selection down to 6 but there are many other great contenders that didn’t make my final list. Some of the shortlisted scenes include Keira Knightley in the green dress being fucked by James McAvoy up a ladder against a library of books in a beautiful stately home in the adaptation of Ian McEwan’s Atonement and any of the millions of sex scenes in Unfaithful where smoulderingly sexy Frenchman Olivier Martinez gives bored housewife Diane Lane a serious seeing to in various corners of his NYC loft apartment. But I am confident in my choices which I truly believe include all the necessary ingredients to turn on even the most prudey of viewers.
And on a final note, to honour this selection I thought it would only fair to provide some ratings. I’ve made the decision to rank each scene according to the following criteria — the most crucial components for a hot as fuck sex scene:
- Originality
- Ease of recreation in everyday sex life
- Overall horniness and sexual chemistry
So, in reverse order, here goes:
I will start with one of the most simple yet effective scenes. Now I can’t work out whether I find this scene so hot because of just how beautiful both Tessa Thompson and Michael B Jordan are as Donnie and Bianca in Creed (I still don’t think any of us have got over his Instagram announcement of his commitment to Lori Harvey, girls everywhere were plunged into a pit of despair) or because of the actual scene itself?
Originality is low here, after a building sexual tension, the pair enjoy their first encounter late at night on a sofa and I mean, which sexually active person hasn’t fucked on a sofa before? But then isn’t that just the charm of the scene because I challenge you to find anyone who doesn’t like having sex on one. Plus there is the added bonus of the risk factor at play — Donnie’s uncle could wake up at any moment and disturb them, not something that seems to bother him remotely however. But again, who can blame him when he’s got the incredibly beautiful Tess making herself very comfortable on his lap? The chemistry here is seriously hot — I remember a friend of mine once saying to me before I had seen the film that “watching Creed was like her perfect version of porn” and I have to agree, Michael B Jordan is a vision any day of the week so seeing him up close and personal like this is truly a treat. This one makes up for what it lacks in originality in ease of recreation in everyday life and overall horniness and sexual chemistry.
Originality ★
Ease of recreation in everyday life ★★★★★
Overall horniness and sexual chemistry ★★★★★
Next, in 5th place, from the 90s classic Pretty Woman, is the famous piano sex scene. In the depths of the conference rooms at the Regent Beverly Wilshire, LA’s ultimate luxury hotel, billionaire businessman Edward (played by Richard Gere) broods over a grand piano as he unsuccessfully attempts to unwind after a difficult meeting whilst diligent hotel staff meticulously sweep every inch of visible floor around him. Worried sex worker and new love interest, Vivien (Julia Roberts) calls down to reception looking for him and upon discovering his whereabouts pads down in her fluffy towelling bathrobe and hotel slippers, turning heads at every corner, to try and distract him from his troubles. Immediately the troops of staff drop tools and disappear, leaving the two to indulge in a little pounding on the keys — it must be nice to have so much money that people oblige your every wish at the click of a finger. In his heyday Richard Gere was quite a looker and even amongst the infamous gerbil rumours he’d probably still get it. And this scene, whilst pretty PG, is nonetheless, seriously hot. The pair writhe around on the piano, Edward grasping Vivien’s torso and carefully composing a song with each of her limbs as he manipulates her into his desired positions whilst her beautiful long red curls glide about the lid like a kite. The sex itself is tame but it is beautiful and artistic and oozes luxury. Originality is strong — it feels like an upgraded version of the classic pool table fantasy so I’m giving it 4 stars but ease of recreation is low because how many people do you know that have a grand piano kicking around at home? 3 stars for that. But for overall horniness and sexual chemistry it comes in at a solid 4, a classic and memorable sex scene.
Originality ★★★★
Ease of recreation in everyday life ★★★
Overall horniness and sexual chemistry ★★★★
In 4th place I give you Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson in Indecent Proposal, on the water bed in a motel in Las Vegas, surrounded by dogeared, used twenties. The couple have travelled to Sin City in a desperate attempt to make some money as they are fast approaching broketown so they check into a grimey room and hit the tables. This scene falls halfway through their first successful gambling stint as they celebrate in their love nest, counting their winnings, heady and horny. Firstly, when ranking this scene I think it is important to honour the extreme beauty and smoking hot bod of Demi Moore then, now and pretty much at any point in her life. I think you would struggle to find many straight men with a pulse who would deliberate over missing an hour on the roulette table in return for a roll around in the sack with that absolute fox. Although out of shot, you can literally feel his erection growing as Demi huskily tells him she loves him, “even without the money”. Game over. This one gets 4 stars for originality because although it’s pretty traditional — on a bed in a scummy motel room, the water bed alone gets its rating plus the allure of all that money and Woody’s sultry look does it for me. But these days if you’re not a used car salesman or a drug dealer who has that type of cash lying around? So unless you are planning on recreating this scene using Monopoly money, this one only gets two stars for ease of recreation at home. But in my view, the beauty of this scene is in the lack of its graphic nature. A few flashes of skin and curves writhing around on the wobbly surface of the water bed all set to the backdrop of the bright lights of the Vegas strip while No Ordinary Love by Sade plays in the background — flawless. So for overall sexual chemistry this one gets a full five stars.
Originality ★★★★
Ease of recreation in everyday life ★★
Overall horniness and sexual chemistry ★★★★★
In position 3 is one of the sex scenes from my favourite EVER film, True Romance. The name should be enough to suggest that we can expect a healthy dose of wild S.E.X but the scenes are actually all surprisingly soft considering some of the other graphic adult content of the Tony Scott masterpiece — more romantic than filthy. But one scene in this film still always gets me. I am of course referring to the point of the narrative where Clarence and Alabama, (played exquisitely by Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette), whilst driving across the US from Detroit to Los Angeles, armed with a suitcase of stolen cocaine, pull over to a roadside phone booth to call Clarence’s friend to inform him of their impending visit and (unbeknownst to them yet, ensuing chaos). The pair have only known each other for a few days, falling in love and marrying immediately after a botched birthday surprise by Clarence’s boss who hired Alabama as a call girl to “accidentally” meet him during his ceremonial Kung Fu movie marathon. Now freshly inked with matching tattoos and high on their new Bonnie and Clyde-esque love, the pair just can’t help themselves and promptly begin to undress each other in the phone box, Alamaba perched on the conveniently positioned shelf as HGV’s tear past them on the highway, honking their horns enthusiastically at the surprise show. If that doesn’t scream sexiness then I don’t know what does. The originality is my favourite part of this scene getting 5 stars but I don’t think I have seen an actual phone box IRL for the past ten years so by default ease of recreation has to suffer here — I’ve given it 2 stars. But this scene is also amongst the sexiest I have ever come across and makes you just want to find your closest half decent man and run away together, being sure to find a selection of sexy shag spots that pose a risk of being caught in the act on the way. A great achievement in the history of film sex scenes.
Originality ★★★★★
Ease of recreation in everyday life ★★
Overall horniness and sexual chemistry ★★★★
Number 2 has to go to Eminem and Britney Murphy in the noughties classic, 8 Mile. Jimmy (Eminem) has just finished tearing apart Xhibit in a rap battle during his lunch break at the car part factory where he works (as you do), much to the viewing pleasure of Alex, played by Murphy who watches him with glee along with every other viewer who is sexually attracted to men and it doesn’t take long for her to utter the famous last words, “why don’t you take me somewhere right now?” Bingo. Seconds later, clearly unable to control their carnal desires, the pair are ducking in and out of the heavy machinery that line the factory aisles looking for a place to bang which they successfully find and end up fucking up against the railings with the sound and steam of industrial equipment all around. I wonder if they found time to complete a risk assessment? I remember thinking the first time I watched this that I’d never seen such a realistic orgasm face in a film whilst simultaneously wondering whether they were worried about getting caught. Jimmy doesn’t seem in the least bit concerned but then why would you if you are just passing time in a dead end job on your way to your true dream of being a successful rapper? And if the tables were turned, I don’t think Brit would give much of a shit either because let’s face it, I don’t know many self respecting women who wouldn’t risk a slap on the wrist from their manager for a quickie up against the factory stock shelves with Eminem. Bliss. He is so sexy I reckon he could literally fuck anyone in any industrial setting — he is definitely worth risking tetanus or being caught on CCTV for. This one gets four stars for originality purely due to the risk factor involved, also four stars for ease of recreation (I reckon factories are relatively easy to break into) and a full five stars for general horniness and sexual chemistry which is palpable — this scene is enough to drive anyone to their nearest Ann Summers. Even better is the rumour that circulated at the time of filming that the pair were having actual sex on camera which may or may not be true but they were in a relationship soon after filming so we can always hope.
Originality ★★★★
Ease of recreation in everyday life ★★★★
Overall horniness and sexual chemistry ★★★★★
And finally, the number 1 spot goes to mynewest addition to the list. I never thought I would be so impressed by a car sex scene as I was when I recently watched Queen and Slim but it is truly amazing. For anyone reading this who has had sex in a car you will know that it is never something that ends up going how you would imagine. The thought of car sex is super sexy and super naughty but the reality is usually far from it. Uncomfortable heat, hand brakes and steering wheels jutting out and digging in all over the place and just generally nowhere near enough room for manoeuvre. But in my opinion, in this scene Daniel Kaluuya and Jodie Turner Smith have managed to create one of the best sex scenes in modern cinema yet one that has divided critics as it is also packed with extreme tension, cutting back and forth from the car to a street protest against police brutality where a young boy is standing up to a police officer, resulting in a tragic end. But this directorial choice has caused the sex scene to take on an altogether deeper meaning as director Melia Matsoukas explained to Gal Dem magazine on the eve of the film’s 2020 release. “It’s the moment that Queen and Slim’s relationship climaxes, literally. It’s also the peak of the movement that they’ve created accidentally.” She went on to say that “it’s important the release of their anxiety and the violence of the protest happened together because it illustrates how black people have always found moments of joy amid the darkest of struggles”.
In theory, car sex is both easy and unoriginal so with that thought process this scene should not only not gain first place but should also get low star ratings across the board. However this is truly one of the most intense and believable sex scenes I have ever watched — it is intimate and mesmerising and being able to enjoy a semi naked Daniel Kaluuya obviously helps too.
What differentiates this scene from the rest is that it really feels like love. The pair have been through a horror of a few days after Slim’s accidental shooting of a white police officer who pulled the pair over for no reason on their way home from a date and they are now on the run. Their attraction and chemistry has been building rapidly and by the time they finally get a moment alone in what feels like peace, they make the most of it, as they so deserve. It is intimate, passionate, intense and beautiful. And so, the winner, 5 stars across the board.
Originality ★★★★★
Ease of recreation in everyday life ★★★★★
Overall horniness and sexual chemistry ★★★★★
So there we are, a bona fide selection for your viewing pleasure. If you haven’t seen any of these films I highly suggest cancelling tonight’s plans immediately and get stuck into the ultimate Netflix and chill.
